The Unnatural Philosophy of Kit March

Ze trades found objects for unloved and unwanted books, sews to keep hir hands busy and chalks interesting words on the back of hir door. He stole a seedling from the elves in righteous indignation, chews the knuckles of his remaining hand and accepted an invitation to teach at the school of his childhood only to entangle himself in someone else’s problems before the end of his first day. Tes Alden is too curious to survive hir growing need to succeed in magic, Darius Liviu is too stubborn to survive his inability to stop playing the hero, and Kit March, headmaster and the man responsible for their safety, instead bears more secrets than any king—secrets made all the more dangerous by Tes and Darius’s own.

The Unnatural Philosophy of Kit March is a (somewhat unwieldy) serial novel trying to be comedic and serious all at once, depicting a trio of mysterious objects, elves, gratuitous bacon references, as many trans and autistic characters as is possible, a determined lack of romance, alliterative magic, an unexplained walking corn cob and characters who make terrible decisions.

The stories of Darius’s early days can be found in the Efe and Darius books.

Kit is a narrating protagonist in the side story Ringbound and the serial novel The Crew of Esher Hill, makes non-narrating appearances in the Amelia March books, and has a cameo role in A Prince of the Dead.

Cover image for K. A. Cook's 'The Unnatural Philosophy of Kit March'. Vector/cartoon styling of a creepy folly/shack/treehouse with various gothic accoutrements and a crow or raven perched on the roof. Folly is surrounded by more vector images of trees, bushes and scrub set on a cartoony green-hill background. Typeface for author and title credit is white stroked with black. The whole thing is very flat/one-dimensional and looks like a still from an 80s cartoon.Tes Alden, collector of words, rescuer of books and counter of objects, knows ze isn’t like everyone else. This wouldn’t be such a problem if everybody else didn’t struggle with it. Hir mother prays a run-down school in the middle of nowhere may be the best place to stow hir brand of peculiarity, and Tes has nowhere better to go.

Darius Liviu lost a limb and his lover in the hell of Mul Dura. He spent the last three months as a guest of the Greensward, crafting a jointed hand from elf-sung wood and trying to ignore the mutterings of the ghost that haunts him. Now, he returns to the College to take up the second-most dangerous job open to a magician: teaching.

Tes just might be a magician in the making, if ze can survive adventures in alliterative magic and hir own lethal curiosity. Darius, though, keeps a secret that makes the usual problems of overgrown rhubarb, basilisk hordes, verbose eldritch objects, shrieking purple monkeys and cauliflower explosions look like nothing at all.

The elves are coming, and nobody fears elves more than Kit March.

Formats

PDF | EPUB

Chapters

Welcome: Tes Alden arrives at a school impaled by giant rhubarb, faces the bacon test and finds an ally in the College’s headmaster.

Introduction: March introduces Tes to the College, Master Faiza, the kitchen and his theory of telepathic bacon.

Connection: Tes meets hir new roommate Holly Naoko, learns from the chattering historian Iris Edmé and discovers ze does, in fact, possess a valuable trade.

Homecoming: Darius Liviu arrives in Greenstone to take up March’s offer of a teaching job, only for the belt to betray a certain confidence involving the dead Efe Kadri.

Shadows: Tes overhears March talking to Darius, ponders the mystery that is the Greensward and decides to risk the Left Tower in search of fabric.

Consequences: Tes enters the Tower with hir pack, hir plans and hir magic only to discover that ze isn’t the hunter—and the consequences of hir mistake aren’t hirs to bear.

Skin: Darius survives the gnomes and contemplates the stories told in scars. Amelia tries to make a well-trodden point. March waves a spoon. What do their words matter to Darius, though, when all he hears is the choking, insufferable envelopment of safety?

Flight: The obligation a rescuer has to a ward gives Darius a sense of purpose and the added benefit of avoiding Amelia, but finding Tes means negotiations with the belt and Tes hirself…

Interlude – Resonance: Kit lives by the rule of the crow and the rule of story, but neither, despite a life of guardianship, quite prepare him for the fate suggested by a coil of worn, brown leather.

Maker: Darius chose Tes’s presence over his health, a gift for which books, stones and homewares are no just recompense. How can ze repay a magician when ze isn’t sure, despite his words, that ze still belongs at the College?

Curiosity: Trying to work with Darius might be harder for Tes than learning magic, but hir real problems occur when Darius leaves the College on a mysterious midnight journey and Iris decides to follow him.

Longevity: Lack of sleep doesn’t help Darius figure out how to handle Tes. It really doesn’t help when Amelia blunders her way into their talking about silences, suicide and cats. If anything will render exhaustion irrelevant, though, it’s the bubbling breath of a bloody messenger…

Exsanguination: One word shatters the College’s peace, but Darius needs must figure out how to handle Tes’s headlong rush into dangerous magic … and March’s dislike for the blood trade.

Prequel works: Old Fashioned, Conception, Certain Eldritch Artefacts, The Adventurer King

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